On being Voldemort’s bitch

Of the many perplexing things that my husband has discovered about me over the past eleven years, this one is the most shocking.

When my husband and I first met almost thirteen years ago, I was young(er) and thin(er, ha!). I wore platforms or wedges everywhere I went. If I wasn’t at least five inches taller than my god-given height, I wasn’t walking around. I carefully applied the trendiest MAC make-up day after day. I wore cute little outfits that I wouldn’t dare wear now, even if I was that size again. I drove around in my cute little silver Honda with bass so loud you could feel it on your bottom when you were sitting in my car. I’d meet my friends for a night of drinking and dancing in downtown Monterey. Other weekends I’d drive up to San Francisco and go drinking and dancing up there.

I was the shit.

And I knew it.

But my monthly metamorphosis wasn’t noticable until I after got married. Even more noticable after having children.

I felt like this last week. I became the “nerd” in a John Hughes movie. Neurotic. Mumbling as if I’ve forgotten how to use my voice box. Refusing to make eye contact. Cringing whenever someone addressed me. I turned into goddamned Wormtail.

My vanity was replaced by insecurity, my spunk by meekness. I no longer strutted around the house, trying to get compliments from my husband. I withdrew into myself. I second guessed myself about EVERYTHING. Was that person I passed by at Target giving me a dirty look? Did I take her cart? Why was that other person staring at me? Am I smelly? They must see that giant pimple reminiscent of the dreaded junior high years. Kamehameha could have taken cover behind this beauty on my chin, let me tell you.

Luckily my husband has lived with me long enough to know it’s only temporary, lasting only but a few days. I become my arrogant self in no time but without my husband here I don’t notice this change. Sometimes I’d cry and complain about how my pants fit, or during this time, didn’t fit. Other times I’d refuse to do anything that day, preferring to snack on chocolate chips reserved for baking.

He’s not here to look at me and sigh and give me a great big hug. He’s not here to gently suggest a pedicure even though we should be saving our money. He’s not here to whisper in my ear while the kids are watching tv next to us, “I bought you a Cadbury. It’s on the top shelf.” He isn’t here to listen to my gripes, my worries, my complaints. He isn’t here.

Don’t worry. I’ll go back to my regular self in a few days. I’ll go back to fishing for compliments over the phone with my husband. I’ll go back to telling him how lucky he is to have me.

I’ll go back to feeling this way again soon…

Thank goodness being Voldemort’s bitch is temporary!

Missed connections

Our family minus the cats

If you’ve ever been away from the love of your life for any amount of time, you might have been through this as well.

The first part of your separation hurts like stomach cramps when you’ve eaten bad seafood but instead of hurting in your tummy, your heart hurts. And having been separated from my husband numerous times, it doesn’t get any better. You just learn to live with it and distract yourself whether it’s with work or the kids or your super fab blog.

We’ve gotten to the part when our separate lives have fully taken us over. He’s adjusted to his time change being three hours ahead. I’ve been thrown back into child rearing and chore procrastination running the household.

He’s been on out-of-state trainings already. We’re in a constant state of go: school, gymnastics, birthday parties, playdates, cooling off in the pool, zumba,… and on and on.

Lately we’ve haven’t been connecting.

It’s a little sad for me because I’ve never been the Valentine’s-Day-big-gesture kinda gal. I’m more of “think of me often and daily”. I appreciate random moments of kindness. Cadbury bar from the commissary, my favorite and always hidden up in the pantry. A diet Coke for me from Taco Bell even though I didn’t want anything from there but we didn’t have any in the house, so why not? Saying “I love you”. Often. And sometimes even in public.

It’s the little things I appreciate in our marriage so when he’s busy driving to a training in North Carolina or I’m at a pool party at a friend’s house and can’t talk because I don’t want to be the @sshole friend on the phone, I miss our connections a little more.

I miss him a little more.

November seems like such a long time away from now. I have to stay positive for the kids. I have to stay positive for him, for me, and for us.

The kids still mention how far away Thanksgiving is but the oldest one is seeing the silver lining: “I guess it’s only two or three months away.”

Only. Poor kid.

At least I have these three adorable, brilliant, and witty reminders of him, of our love for each other. He’s got a “geobachelor” label and no one to count down the days with.

I would trade places with him in a heartbeat just to take away any of the heartache he’s endured. I hope he knows that. Until then, I’ll have to make sure we make our connections as meaningful and as often as possible.

Weightless

For twenty minutes this morning I closed my eyes and felt nothing. I floated in the pool of my gym without three kids to watch over like a hawk, without worrying that some random toddler might pee in my hair, without feeling the weight of the world.

My absolute favorite Zumba instructor in the entire world has been on vacation in Mexico for the last two weeks and won’t return until the end of July. Vanessa is amazing and will push you until you need to be pushed. She plays her music too loud but I prefer it that way. Her class never feels like a class, just fifty dancers listening to good music who happen to be facing the same way. To be honest, if another Zumba instructor even comes close to resembling an aerobics class, I will walk out. Not rudely but Vanessa has raised my expectations of Zumba. I want a workout, I want good music, and I don’t want to mess around with your version of merengue, thank you very much.

When I was let go of my teaching position two years ago (something I have blogged about earlier but I don’t know how to magically make that blue link appear so have fun looking for it; heck, have a glass of wine and relax while you browse), I needed a life change and a hobby. I wasn’t getting any younger and the two pound gain a year is no big deal the first year but holy crap, for the past two decades?! No need for the swear words here. Pretty sure you know them all.

My kids love the gym. Locations all around the area. Huge playland structures, playgrounds that rival their school’s playground, clean and new toys, great staff that the kids have grown up with for the last two years. Also…

They constantly ask, “When are we going to the gym?”

Which means no more excuses for me. Though a six foot tall excuse flies in every few months for a visit and I have to make myself go back again after he leaves. He does not like our gym though. You can’t expect someone who climbed high obstacle courses, carried boats above his head at BUDS training (whatever that acronym means), sat with other guys in the crashing waves as punishment during said training, and even went through a simulated helicopter crash into the ocean complete with a zero-vision helmet (!) to like this shiny, new gym. You just can’t.

Not only that, I have to reevaluate my diet, namely my damn sugar consumption, and make adjustments.

The disgustingly hot weather here in Sacramento fortunately lessens my cravings for heartier fare. We naturally buy more fresh fruit since who can resist all of the tasty mangos from Sam’s Club? Not us because it rarely makes it to the third day in our house.

The pool sounded like a good idea this morning.

If you’ve ever been to a crowded pool and abhored it, you can appreciate my experience this morning: NO KIDS. Maybe two swimmers doing laps way too fast. They must have been related to King Triton.

I didn’t even know what to do with myself when I walked out to the pool area.

Silence.

What do I do with SILENCE?

I looked at the calm water and then closed my eyes. The early morning sun was warm but comfortable. I kicked off my sandals, not caring what I looked like in my Target two piece (longer top, not that bold yet, ask me in twenty pounds) and slowly stepped into the pool.

Looking back it’s kind of funny how in our moments of need, in moments of stress, how life slows down when you become mindful of your surroundings. Not hey-let’s-do-this or get-it-over-with but really reflecting, really meditating so much so that you’re lost in the moment when really, you’re not lost at all.

I didn’t go nuts by cannonballing into the pool. Maybe I’ll do it next time and have someone film it with my cell. I just did whatever I felt like doing at the moment. Backstroke across the pool. Swimming underwater. Dog paddling. I think I may have even made up some strokes too.

Mostly I just floated on my back and closed my eyes.

It’s funny how this weightless feeling is not something I have to strive for but rather something I just have to allow to happen. And really it isn’t just about being weightless in a pool. This week it was sitting in the middle of the movie theater thinking, “Wow! The final movie in the Rowling series and then I’m having sushi with my husband afterward!”. It was also giving our kids a big hug before their first day of school and watching them walk away. Yesterday it was at 2 pm when I knew what lay ahead when the kids realized that Daddy was gone. Again.

That moment was commemorated with three squares of Cadbury milk chocolate. The kids were downstairs getting restless. I was reading the newest Entertainment Weekly upstairs in our bed with the fan pointed in my direction.

Here’s to more weightless moments and sugar-free ones at that.

MY FAVORITE WEIGHTLESS MOMENTS
1. Zumba and aqua aerobics
2. Blogging (if you don’t have one, I highly recommend starting one; FREE THERAPY!)
3. Cadbury (that one has got to stop to be monthly)
4. Watching the kids get lost in swimming or gymnastics or just getting along
5. Waiting all week to get Starbucks and finally having that first sip of a soy tuxedo, no whipped
6. Playing with my pets (OMG! I’ve completely morphed into PET OWNER!)
7. Reading
8. Deciding to finally clean and AFTER a big clean-up (notice I did not say “actual cleaning”)
9. Renting a DVD with my husband, putting the kids to bed, and one of us sneaking out to get ice cream to really enjoy the movie
10. Napping when you need one
11. Deciding not to get nails done for a bit and getting a new bottle of nail polish

Have you found how to get your “weightless” moments? Please share so that I might add them to my queue.